The Brogger: CONFUSION CAN MESS YOUR LIFE

The Brogger: CONFUSION CAN MESS YOUR LIFE: "Good morning Doctor,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.” “What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement. “It’s something I’ve been..."

The Brogger: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN

The Brogger: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN: "One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife d..."

IT WAS THERE. YOU SHOULD HAVE!

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn’t know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel.
He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he’s going with his donkey.
“Anywhere I go, she goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the manager, “but you can’t take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we’ll take good care of her.” So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn’t want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor.
The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
”Great!” replied Bozo. ”How much do I have to pay?” he asks.
”One thousand dollars for the food.”
”But I haven’t touched the food.”
”It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV.”
”But I didn’t even know how to turn the damn thing on!”
”It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed.”
”But I slept on the floor!”
”It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars.”
The old man thought for a while and answered;-
”You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.”
”But sir ,I didn’t screw your donkey.”
”It was there. You should have!”

CONFUSION CAN MESS YOUR LIFE

Good morning Doctor,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.”
“What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement.
“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done” replies Steve.
“But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”
“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind– either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”
“Well, OK.”, says the doctor, “But it’s against my better judgment!”
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
“Hi there,” says Steve, “It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”.
“Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.”
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, “Sh*t! THAT’S the word!”

SAUSAGE

Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, “All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?” His friend replies, “I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?” The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. “Hey, here’s what we can do” he says. “We’ll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We’ll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I’ll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They’ll kick us out of the bar and we won’t have to pay!”
The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. “What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!” says the bartender, and the two run out laughing. “That was great, and it didn’t cost us a cent” says the second drunk. “Let’s do it again!”
So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says “Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let’s eat it.”
“Sausage?” says the first. “I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!”

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″.
“I am actually 47.”
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”
Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’ ‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’.
‘Yes, but you have all the equipment . For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and report you”.
‘For reading a book?’ she replies,
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her again.
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’.
‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and report you.’
‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,’ says the woman.
‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.
‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’
‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

You want to succeed as a politician in Kenya? Just follow these 10 rules

The Kenyan Politician (KP) is a different species of animal. You will find them dressed in colourful clothing denoting their fruit of choice or other manner of topiary.

It is a breed that thrives on masking the suffering of the people they lead with loud and bold exclamations of political maendeleo. They brilliantly highlight progress which they will bring in truck-loads, buses and other conveyances once elected.

Soon after election night, they quickly forget to load the buses and, indeed, begin acting in a manner reminiscent of Pharaoh. But they do not intend to let the people go.

The KP relies heavily on sycophancy, enjoys being worshipped and even being treated like a demi-god instead of the demagogue he is.

The KP has belonged to almost all available political parties but subscribes to the one offering more opportunity at the moment.

An aspiring KP will sing and dance praises of the president whenever he is present and then deny the event ever happened.

It is an ever-morphing species that cannot eloquently tell you where they stand on a given issue because they fear it might place them in disfavour with their political party.

They specialise in calling the president “father” and other manner of praise with every utterance in the hope that these expressions will curry favour.

In other words the successful KP is a spineless opportunist who will go to any lengths to get close to power.

So what makes a good KP? For those political aspirants who hope to have their names inscribed in the annals of Kenyan leadership, I offer these top 10 qualities that one must possess to make it. So strap on your political seat-belt and read on:
Leadership is a selfless act, so leave your heart at home in a closet, or better yet, lock it up and throw away the key. You cannot afford to listen to your constituents. They are too many and have too many problems. Yours is to represent them, not to listen to their daily laments. Think of yourself and set an example by accumulating as much as you can, even as they grow poorer. Eventually, they will learn to rely on themselves.Leadership calls on one to serve honourably in any capacity one is accorded. Make sure you lobby for a post you are least qualified to do. That way, expectations will be low and you won’t have to do any work since you don’t even know where to begin.Leadership is about listening to the wishes of the people. Move your office to the farthest corner of Nairobi away from your constituents. Employ askaris to chase away anyone who comes seeking your counsel. After all, you know what they want better than they do. That’s why they elected you.Leadership is humility. Look what happened to Jesus with all his humility. Lead with an iron fist and demand respect from every man, woman, child as well as all living and non-living things.Leadership professes the rule of law and abides by it. Remember the law does not apply to you since you are above it. The law is meant to keep order so that you can enjoy the good life without wananchi wanting a piece of it. You must believe that it is better to have more, so take whatever you want without prejudice. Leadership follows high ethical standards and demands the same for all. To be an effective leader, rise above all ethical bounds into a stratosphere that only responds to theft, embezzlement and mismanagement of public funds. You are entitled to dip your hands into public coffers. Leadership is reverence for the people. Don’t worry about this one. The people will elect you again in the next election cycle. If anything, since the people revere you, what good does it do to return the favour? Leadership is genuine. This should be easy for you to ignore since there is nothing in your marrow that is genuine. Even your wife has imported parts, to boot.Leadership is about respect, so make sure the people respect you and the ground you walk on. Ask that people bow before they can speak to you through an interpreter since you no longer understand the language of your mother.
Leadership demands co-operation. This will lead you nowhere as everyone is out to look out for themselves, and so should you.After all, Darwin put it very eloquently as “survival of the fittest!” Trust no one and sabotage the intentions of others, always believing that they are out to get you.