The Kenyan Politician (KP) is a different species of animal. You will find them dressed in colourful clothing denoting their fruit of choice or other manner of topiary.
It is a breed that thrives on masking the suffering of the people they lead with loud and bold exclamations of political maendeleo. They brilliantly highlight progress which they will bring in truck-loads, buses and other conveyances once elected.
Soon after election night, they quickly forget to load the buses and, indeed, begin acting in a manner reminiscent of Pharaoh. But they do not intend to let the people go.
The KP relies heavily on sycophancy, enjoys being worshipped and even being treated like a demi-god instead of the demagogue he is.
The KP has belonged to almost all available political parties but subscribes to the one offering more opportunity at the moment.
An aspiring KP will sing and dance praises of the president whenever he is present and then deny the event ever happened.
It is an ever-morphing species that cannot eloquently tell you where they stand on a given issue because they fear it might place them in disfavour with their political party.
They specialise in calling the president “father” and other manner of praise with every utterance in the hope that these expressions will curry favour.
In other words the successful KP is a spineless opportunist who will go to any lengths to get close to power.
So what makes a good KP? For those political aspirants who hope to have their names inscribed in the annals of Kenyan leadership, I offer these top 10 qualities that one must possess to make it. So strap on your political seat-belt and read on:
Leadership is a selfless act, so leave your heart at home in a closet, or better yet, lock it up and throw away the key. You cannot afford to listen to your constituents. They are too many and have too many problems. Yours is to represent them, not to listen to their daily laments. Think of yourself and set an example by accumulating as much as you can, even as they grow poorer. Eventually, they will learn to rely on themselves.Leadership calls on one to serve honourably in any capacity one is accorded. Make sure you lobby for a post you are least qualified to do. That way, expectations will be low and you won’t have to do any work since you don’t even know where to begin.Leadership is about listening to the wishes of the people. Move your office to the farthest corner of Nairobi away from your constituents. Employ askaris to chase away anyone who comes seeking your counsel. After all, you know what they want better than they do. That’s why they elected you.Leadership is humility. Look what happened to Jesus with all his humility. Lead with an iron fist and demand respect from every man, woman, child as well as all living and non-living things.Leadership professes the rule of law and abides by it. Remember the law does not apply to you since you are above it. The law is meant to keep order so that you can enjoy the good life without wananchi wanting a piece of it. You must believe that it is better to have more, so take whatever you want without prejudice. Leadership follows high ethical standards and demands the same for all. To be an effective leader, rise above all ethical bounds into a stratosphere that only responds to theft, embezzlement and mismanagement of public funds. You are entitled to dip your hands into public coffers. Leadership is reverence for the people. Don’t worry about this one. The people will elect you again in the next election cycle. If anything, since the people revere you, what good does it do to return the favour? Leadership is genuine. This should be easy for you to ignore since there is nothing in your marrow that is genuine. Even your wife has imported parts, to boot.Leadership is about respect, so make sure the people respect you and the ground you walk on. Ask that people bow before they can speak to you through an interpreter since you no longer understand the language of your mother.
Leadership demands co-operation. This will lead you nowhere as everyone is out to look out for themselves, and so should you.After all, Darwin put it very eloquently as “survival of the fittest!” Trust no one and sabotage the intentions of others, always believing that they are out to get you.
